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Questing to sit under the bodhi tree: the story of my newest tattoo I must not fear. This tattoo has quite the story attached to it. Let's see if I can do it justice. I've wanted a tattoo for at least the past 4 years or more that symbolised my leanings toward eastern spirituality, buddhism, specifically. At first, I thought I might get mu as a tattoo. Mu is a buddhist concept that means 'not' or 'nothing'. (See link for further explanation, ideographic representation, and unexpected but appropriate link to hacker culture.) But having seen the character, I rethought that idea. I disliked the complexity (and hadn't seen the simplified version until today), and I knew that if I didn't like the character, then a) it wasn't for me and b) I didn't feel strongly enough attuned to the meaning to not care what the character looked like. So I didn't pursue that particular idea. I set it aside for quite some time. A year ago December, events happened such that I found myself exchanging ideas with a Japanese calligrapher based in Florida (It appears that she has since moved to Washington). I was looking into getting kanji done for Nikos, who wanted the 7 virtues of Bushido tattooed on his forearm. One of the 7 virtues is makoto, which means sincerity or honesty. Honesty is a huge theme in my life (dishonesty being a major big red button with me) and it was around that time that I started focussing on the fact that I had been feeling internal urges to do heart chakra work. I was thinking initially that I could use the makoto character from N's design and use that as a tattoo, in and of itself. But after corresponding with a certain someone, I was gifted with being able to choose my own unique design. Thank you, thank you! This was both empowering and terrifying: I had to make a decision. I decided to forego the thought of makoto, despite my attachment to the meaning. I knew it wasn't precisely what I needed to have. I knew this tattoo would have something to do with the heart, both in meaning and in placement. I knew it was to be placed over my heart chakra -- that was where it needed to be. So I had the placement down and ideas about meaning. I needed then to decide exactly what I wanted to convey. This took a few emails back and forth between the calligrapher and myself. Around that time, I was discovering the japanese words for the animals of the chinese zodiac. Snake (my sign) is hebi or hebidoshi when referring specifically to the astrological sign. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I fell asleep one night with the word nezumi going continually through my head. Nezumi is rat (nezumidoshi is the year of the rat). So the next day, I was perusing a japanese/english dictionary and decided to look up words that I might use in my tattoo design. I had already settled on using something that incorporated kokoro, "mind, heart, soul/spirit". I loved the meaning and I loved the character. After checking who knows how many different words, I tried 'awake' and variants thereof. Among the list of words given, I noticed nezame. I thought, because of the similarity in sound to nezumi, the word mantra I fell asleep to the previous night, "This is it! I'm on the right path!" So I wrote the calligrapher and asked if nezame + kokoro made any bit of sense. She wrote back that it didn't, since nezame is meant for physical sorts of things, like people and animals, not for things that are intangible, like mind and spirit. But she sent back a few pieces of calligraphy that were more along the lines of what I was looking for: waking up in a metaphorical sense. The one that caught my eye was bodaishin, which she translated as "the waking-up heart" and mentioned that it was a term used in buddhism. It uses kokoro as the last character, but when it's associated with bodai, kokoro is called shin, even though it's the same character. Perfect! I've got buddhism; I've got heart; I've got waking up; I've got kokoro; I'm set. Sweet! When I got the calligraphy in the mail, I was really excited, but I realised somewhere along the way that I didn't just want the kanji. I wanted a lotus associated with the kanji somehow. So when Nikos went to get his kanji tattoo, I opted for an I-Ching hexagram that denotes 'harmony', which is something else I'm working towards. And since I have little faith in my ability to draw, I set the kanji tattoo project on the backburner. It wasn't until late December/early January that I started looking for photos of lotus and of lotus tattoos in earnest. I was itching for more ink, and specifically for this ink. I was ready for the dread sternum tattoo, in addition to being ready for my lotus and my kanji. I knew I was going to have to have the tatooist design the lotus, but I wanted to have a better idea of how I wanted the lotus to look and how I wanted the kanji associated with it. Because I was pleased with Colin's work on my first tattoo, N's first tattoo, and my friend, M's, most recent tattoo (all done in January/February of 2005 at Passage), I decided to call Passage to see if he was still there and if I could book a consultation. He wasn't. I panicked. He was my tattoo touchstone and he had moved to BC! Ack! What am I gonna do now?! So of course, I had to post about it in LJ requesting local artist recommendations. I got lots of responses, so I had lots of researching to do. When I got to looking at King of Fools (Ronan's work was recommended and Shane's work is all over BME), I noticed an amazing tattoo, and then I realised that it was the pic that belonged with the experience I had read about a day or two before. It was a 'bug sleeve' and it caught my eye because I'd never seen anyone do frogs and other insects as realistic as was in this tattoo. This is important because I'm looking to get a frog tattoo in the near future. So I googled the artist and, lo, she had her own website! Yay! But the thing was, I really wanted to get tattooed at Passage. I love Passage. I've had all my Toronto body modification work done there: 3 piercings, one stretching (my orbital incorporated a piercing I already had but that needed to be stretched to work in the new configuration), and my first tattoo. There's not only serious sentimental attachment to the place, but there's also a really good vibe there. I was worried when Blair took over from Tee because I saw how dramatically the aesthetic changed, but I dig the aesthetic now and it's still (obviously) a wonderful place for mods. The people are incredibly talented and the building just feels good. But the artist I wanted and totally had my heart set on was not at Passage. She was at King of Fools. So I hemmed and hawed and delayed for a couple of months or so, trying to work up the emotional courage to venture into unknown tattoo territory: new tattoo, new artist, new shop, new everything. I'm a fan of change, but sometimes it takes me a little bit to acclimatize myself to it. I have to prepare myself more than most people, it seems. Maybe I've got mild Asperger's or something. Anyhow, I was determined to get this tattoo done by this woman, so I would go where she was. When I was prepared enough to make an appointment, I checked her website again, just to make sure I was calling the right place. That's when I noticed that she had moved locations... to PASSAGE. I shit you not. I thought, 'whoa. freaky.' and was interminably excited. I really felt like things were falling into place. So I went there with Nikos and made a consultation appointment for Saturday, the 6th, at noon. While I was making the appointment, she walked in and we got a chance to speak to each other. She made me feel instantly comfortable; I knew this was gonna work out well. The consulation went well. I was completely banking on her artistic ability and tried not to be a control freak. I knew she'd come up with something totally awesome. With Nikos' help, I put down a $150 deposit ($50 was all that was required, but I found it easier to put down as much as possible at the outset so that when it came time to pay up, there was a lot less to deal with; I like being able to take care of things sooner rather than later), and I left with a receipt of payment and an appointment for a 4pm tattoo on Tuesday, May 9th. In the day or two between, I tried really hard to prepare myself mentally for this event. As I stated before, I need a certain amount of prep time and I didn't feel like I had given myself enough time. But I knew I was going to go through with it, not chicken out, not reschedule. I dived in. I also knew I wanted both Lynna and Nikos there with me. There were multiple reasons for this: I wanted them with me for emotional support/hand-holding because with this being a sternum tattoo, it was going to be painful. I knew I could bear it, but I wasn't certain how painful it might be or what it might do to me (make me pass out or puke or something equally embarrassing along those lines). That was the first reason. The second reason is because this was a highly symbolic tattoo: heart chakra placement, kanji signifying awakening of the heart, the heart chakra work I have before me, and my two loves with me supporting me in this experience, as well as the support and encouragement they continually give me in all I do. I wanted my loves to be with me in this endeavour. It felt appropriate. Also, I wanted them to be with me as I endured the ordeal of a sternum tattoo. For those not in the know, tattooing over bone, as opposed to tattooing over fat or muscle, can be extremely painful. Sternum? All bone. The third reason I wanted them to be with me for this was because I wanted them to watch me go through a certain amount of pain that they couldn't protect me from. I saw it as a sort of preparation for whenever I do get pregnant and go through labour: They won't be able to take away from me whatever birth pain I might experience; they won't be able to protect me from it. They will have to watch me endure it and be there for whatever help I needed. I also wanted to see how they reacted to watching me in pain because it would give me a general idea of how they might react when I do go into labour. (it is also for this reason that I want to go to the All-Grrls SusCon in August and do either a chest pull or a suicide suspension. I want Lynna to be with me for that, too. I'd have Nikos there, but... it's a girl thing. The BME convention is in Toronto this year, though, so who knows what that might bring.) So back to preparing to be tattooed: I made sure I got a good night's sleep the night before. I took a long, hot shower. I ate well (better than with any of my previous modifications), and I tried desperately not to worry. "Worry about what?" you ask. Why, about EVERYTHING. That I'd panic, that I'd puke, that I'd scream and sob (ok, not really -- I don't scream as a general rule), that the design was gonna suck even though I knew it wouldn't and had absolute faith and trust in her ability to come up with something that would totally rock, that it would take forever and I'd have to come back for another sitting, that it'd take forever and I wouldn't have enough money to cover the remaining balance. The list goes on. It is at this point that I have to mention BPAL because it permeates (infects and infests, some would say) large portions of my life. I have on order, via a decant circle, 7 chakra scents (scroll down to the bottom of the linked page) that are specially blended for ritual work, in addition to an 8th scent that is intended to amplify any chakra work done. This order was supposed to arrive weeks ago, but for reasons beyond my control, it was late. Very late. Lynna and I were thinking that it would arrive any day now, so I had hoped that it might arrive in time for me to wear Anahata, the scent blend for the heart chakra. But no, it did not arrive in time. I ended up choosing to wear Tushnamatay because it was the most calming, unifying scent I could find in my limited collection. So I slathered it on: wrists, backs of hands, arms, neck, and hair. The throw (how far away you can smell it on someone) was still pretty mild, so I wasn't a walking cloud of Tushnamatay, which is good. I hate it when it smells like people bathed in a particular scent, mostly because it's a hideous scent full of icky, headache-inducing chemicals. Tushnamatay is mild, comforting, and, most importantly, it's calming. I sat on the streetcar enjoying my scented aura and rereading a really awesome article that touches on the multiple meanings of bodaishin with respect to buddhism and, more specifically, as part of a commentary on a certain portion of text by Dogen Zenji, the founder of the Japanese Soto School of Zen Buddhism. In this article, I learn that bodaishin in a buddhist context means "the thought of awakening"; "The definition of ‘bodaishin' is: wish and quest for awakening that establish the determination to practise." I am embarking upon a quest with this tattoo, and while I do have determination to practise, it is not necessarily a determination to practise buddhism, per se, but rather a determination to practise meditation, yoga, journeying; a determination to explore my emotional life more fully, to discover and explore blockages and obstacles; a determination to become more myself. Methinks it a worthy quest. While reading, I tried with partial success to block out the reason I was on the streetcar in the first place. I took deep, even breaths and tried to disassociate myself from the situation. This was good and effective. I tried to keep with it as long as possible. We got to Passage a little before 4pm. Nikos was already there waiting, having taken off from work early to be with me for this (thank you sooo much!!). Carlin (Carlyn?), the receptionist at Passage, let Cheryl know that I was here. She came back down and told me it would be a 15-minute wait or so. So we wait, and I breathe and try not to focus on my racing heartbeat or my cold, sweaty palms. And we wait. I do not look at the clock. I do not want to know anything. Finally, Cheryl appears (Nikos had pulled his book out, thinking that as soon as he started reading, she would appear. He got two sentences further in his book. Thank you, again!). She notices that I'm stupidly nervous. She's really charming and tries to put me at ease, which eventually works. My method for dealing with situations such as this is to get nervous beyond all reason, go through with whatever it is before me, and then immediately reassess my take on the situation as soon as I'm toe-deep, as it were. With most people, or so it seems, they worry beyond all reason and that makes things WORSE. Not so with me. I get all my worrying done before hand so that I can go with the flow as it actually happens. It works for me, even though it creates an unnecessary amount of stress beforehand. (insert sheepish grin) So she has me laughing now, which is good. And then she shows me the design, which I immediately LOVE. I knew I would, despite all my fears to the contrary. It's smaller than I had anticipated, which takes a few moments to adjust to, especially after she places the stencil. I stand and look at myself in the mirror, wondering if I want the kanji bigger, if I want the lotus bigger, if I want the whole design bigger. I decide that I'm good with how it is; I put my trust in her that this is how it should be and that it will look best this way. Then we talk about colour blending. She tells me her ideas; I ask if the primary colour could be a little cooler than what she picked. She starts to explain why she picked that colour, and then the other part of my brain takes over and tells her 'nevermind, I trust you. I'll let you do what you do.' Being the control freak that I am, this is a big step. But with everything that has happened so far, I don't want to force anything. I want to go with the flow. Her sense of humour is perfect. I feel comfortable with her. This is difficult for me, generally, but there's something about her that I really like. We have established a rapport. I am pleased. I'm not really all that nervous now, even when I realise that neither Nikos nor Lynna will be able to touch me, let alone hold my hand during the process. I take a deep breath and let it go. I can do this. They will be there with me; they will watch me go through this; it's all gonna be ok. Stencil is placed; I lay on the table; she gets everything ready, and then she turns on the machine. My heart races at the buzz, and I guess I twitch noticeably because she comments. I breathe deeply and fully. And then she begins outlining. I won't lie: it hurts. There are all kinds of hurt there throughout this tattooing process, and it's a different sort of pain than I expected. Sharper, more knife-like. I try my best to breathe through the pain; it's difficult to breathe normally when someone is pressing down on my ribcage, but I manage most of the time. The part that hurts worst before the endorphins kick in is the kanji outline. I am now appreciative that I did not ask for the kanji to be bigger, as I find that it hurts more the higher up my sternum she goes. I begin to hyperventilate but get it quickly under control after she pauses. The part that hurts worst after the endorphins kick in is the center of the lotus, right where kokoro is: heart/mind/soul, and a little below it, which is also the area she ends with. I reflexively sink further into the table every time she hits this part. She comments on my consistency. I want to smile when she says this but I'm in too much pain. Surprisingly, there are parts that actually feel good. Kinda like a really good flogging: some parts hurt, some parts feel oddly good, even though you think it's all supposed to hurt. I savour these few times under the needle that feel really good. It reminds me of a much-needed back-scratch -- that sort of feeling. There are also times when I am relaxed enough to carry on conversation. She has to remind me a couple of times not to move my head or my hands without warning her first. Talking with my hands is apparently completely involuntary. I decide it's best to sit on my hands, which works wonderfully well. Conversation is sporadic, but ever present. At one point, Cheryl has to pause because she says something that makes me laugh and I am laughing too hard for her to be able to continue. It feels very surreal. Many things go through my head as I lie there on the table with a tattoo needle buzzing all over my sternum. I think of the internal work I have before me and where it might take me. I think of the first TOKink convention, when I experienced my first massive endorphin rush at one of the play parties and then got a cutting while still high on peptides (I love peptides.). I get occasional whiffs of Tushnamatay and would think, 'I know that is the name for a Persian goddess, but goddess of what?' I decide it is compassion, and even though it doesn't sound right, I hold onto it because of its association with things of the heart. I think of being in labour, wondering what contractions will feel like. I think again of TOKink and of being flogged and spanked and whatnot, being incredibly grateful for that experience and grateful that I enjoy stingy sensations far more than thuddy sensations, especially since tattoo needles tend to produce sensations that are at the far end of the stingy part of the stingy-/thuddy-sensation spectrum. I focus on breathing, on being with the pain after realising that there is no way I can "go somewhere else" or block it out, and I try desperately to figure out precisely what that means, being with the pain. I'm still not sure what it means. Afterwards, I feel absofuckinglutely triumphant. I finally feel like I've had a rite of passage. I'm still glowing. I'm all bouncy AND I have an awesome tattoo to mark the occasion. I suppose now would be a good time to shut the fuck up and get on with the pictures. *grins*       
I will post another picture in a couple of weeks, after it has healed. The colours will be truer then, cooler, less influenced by the redness of the blood underneath. Earlier today, I looked up what Tushnamatay is goddess of. According to Encyclopedia Mythica (TM), Tushnamatay is "The Persian goddess of meditation, mother of thought." Upon seeing this, I remember the article on bodaishin, 'the thought of awakening', and I feel stupidly giddy. Today, I got the BPAL decants I ordered. I have been wearing Anahata all day, and I love it. Aaaand, I took a look at the numerology of the tattoo's birth: 9 May, 2006. We got started inking around 5pm. 5 + 9 + 5 (for the month of May) + 2006 = 27, which reduces further to 9, the most spiritually-inclined of all the numbers. This whole process, this whole experience, was hella awesome with all the synchronicities and correspondances and... just everything. Thank you, Universe! I feel incredibly loved. *beams happily*
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